


the only way we know we're alive

by Gondolin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: X-Wing Series - Aaron Allston & Michael Stackpole
Genre: (well except for my shipping), Blanket Permission, Canon Compliant, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Missing Scene, Women Being Awesome, the Widows' club
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22485076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolin
Summary: And then everything had gone to hell in the span of moments, with the screeching sound of TIE fighters flying in atmosphere and enemy fire raining on them. So much for downtime.As they ran, it occurred to Iella that she hadn't seen Elscol smile before then.
Relationships: Iella Wessiri Antilles/Elscol Loro
Kudos: 4





	the only way we know we're alive

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set right after this scene (from The Bacta War):  
>  _"I’ve been where you are. I lost my husband to the Imps back on Cilpar, and part of me wanted to die with him there. I took off after the Imps for revenge, but always in the back of my mind was the feeling that when I died we’d be together again.  
>  [...]  
> "On one hand, if there isn’t an afterlife, you’ll be remembered for the things you did while you were alive. On the other, if there is an afterlife, you’ll be able to share all you did with those who died before you. Either way, living as long as possible and doing the most you can is the only way to go. I decided I didn’t want to be known here or in the afterlife for having quit. I don’t think you do, either."  
> Iella frowned. "You’re right, but sometimes the pain" She clutched her hands against her breastbone. "Sometimes it hurts too much to live."  
> "Nonsense." Elscol’s dark eyes sharpened. "Pain’s the only way we know we’re alive."  
> "What?"  
> "If the afterlife is supposed to be special and wonderful and blissful [...] then it follows that pain’s the only way you know you’re alive. Not letting the pain get to you, not surrendering to it, that’s the way you continue living. [...] I don’t let it overwhelm me."  
> "I haven’t let it overwhelm me, either."  
> "No, you haven’t. You’re strong, Iella, real strong." Elscol gave her a half-grin._

Iella never doubted what she was fighting for. But sometimes she felt detached, like the future she wished for the galaxy would not be for her to enjoy. It was easier to bear when busy and too tired to think, or in the midst of battle. Downtime was hard. In the Ashern village, as Iella's motivation had sagged, Elscol had shared the story of her own pain and loss with her, and she had smiled at Iella. "You're strong," she had said, eyes burning with conviction. 

And then everything had gone to hell in the span of moments, with the screeching sound of TIE fighters flying in atmosphere and enemy fire raining on them. So much for downtime.

As they ran, it occurred to Iella that she hadn't seen Elscol smile before then. She hadn't seen Elscol smile at anyone else. With the Rogues there was always someone trying to lighten the mood with humour - of varying quality, it had to be said, but trying nonetheless. They clung to the moment, to the joy of being alive, laughing at imperials, laughing in the face of death, even.

Elscol was different, more stiff and self-contained. But she had offered Iella unexpected sympathy, a kinship in loss. She had offered the story of her late husband, another victim of the Empire. "Pain is the only way we know we're alive," she had said as she shared her own.

Without Elscol offering defiance and comfort, she might have just thrown herself at the THDC without a plan. Not that what they were doing now was much different - but they wanted to get out alive, and that made all the difference.

"When we get out of here, I'm taking you somewhere nice and we're getting drunk on Whyren's reserve," Iella said, almost sure she wouldn't be heard over the sound of blaster fire.

"When?" Elscol asked flatly, before risking a look over their cover to shot at the enemy.

"We're not getting killed by the bacta witch and her cronies. I refuse on principle."

"The odds of making it out are vanishingly small."

Flat on the ground behind the rubble from a destroyed home, Iella gave Elscol a feral, adrenaline-fuelled grin. "Did you forget where I'm from?" 

Elscol groaned, but a corner of her lips lifted up, almost a smile. Almost impressed. "Corellians," she groaned.

"We have no use for odds," Iella confirmed, then locked her gaze with Elscol. 

They waited a moment, suspended, then nodded and they were out, running towards the white-armoured Thyferrans and shooting with wild abandon, any care to conserve power packs forgotten.

Somehow, they made it out. Iella thought about what Wedge would have said, that the impossible was their job, and felt more determined than ever to see this war to its end.

As they regrouped, Iella limped towards Elscol, blood oozing out from the blaster wound in her thigh.

"I'm extremely alive," Iella quipped, "I'd like some painkillers now."

Elscol snorted, then pulled her into a bruising kiss. "You are alive," she breathed against her lips.

A moment later she had stepped back and was barking orders once more, ruthlessly efficient as usual.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift from myself to myself. The pairing tag doesn't even exist, it's somewhat satisfying. And now I'm off to record this for the Awesome Ladies Podfic Anthology.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] the only way we know we're alive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23031211) by [Gondolinpod (Gondolin)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/pseuds/Gondolinpod)




End file.
